D
doug boardley
how many women with PMT does it take to change a light bulb?
just the b*****y one, allright!!!
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just the b*****y one, allright!!!
C
cornish_crofter
...and just think I had you down as a clean minded lady......
Only joking, your earlier jokes put paid to that theory :lol::lol::lol::lol:
G
Gazzer
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'
Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.
'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'
Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.
'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.
'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.
My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.
'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no flamin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners .'
'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'
Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.
'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'
Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.
'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.
'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.
My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.
'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no flamin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners .'
G
Gazzer
There was a guy on the beach with loads of gorgeous chicks swarming all over him. Seeing this, another guy strolls up to him and asks.
"What's your secret?"
The first man whispers,"All you have to do is stick a small cucumber down your trunks."
The second guy runs off and does this.
But when he returns to the shore every girl that looks his way runs off screaming.
Confused, he hurries over to the first guy and asks,
"Why are all the girls running away from me?"
The first guy looks up at him and replies,
"You're supposed to put it down the front of your trunks!!!!"
"What's your secret?"
The first man whispers,"All you have to do is stick a small cucumber down your trunks."
The second guy runs off and does this.
But when he returns to the shore every girl that looks his way runs off screaming.
Confused, he hurries over to the first guy and asks,
"Why are all the girls running away from me?"
The first guy looks up at him and replies,
"You're supposed to put it down the front of your trunks!!!!"
D
Deleted member 9966
DOUG! how rude! :yikes:
U
user123
Best to keep you guessing Hugo....:smilewinkgrin:
U
user123
There are 10 kinds of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't....
S
sstilingservice
Very tech MG
U
user123
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one £5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the £5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the £5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the £5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the £5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
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S
sstilingservice
Yep that would have been my choice toooooooooooooo although I would not have taken £15000 to work it out 🙂
U
user123
Can you hear GRR's and me sigh and nod our heads in sisterly understanding?? Yes....slow resigned nods...
£15000? Were you thinking of 30(!!) women?? NAUGHTY!!!
£15000? Were you thinking of 30(!!) women?? NAUGHTY!!!
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U
user123
A great writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
U
user123
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.
She ran away from the ball.
S
sstilingservice
U
user123
😳 I must be losing it! I could have sworn there was another zero... it WAS late....must be my new glasses I'm getting used to... add it as another joke...:lol:
S
sstilingservice
Yeah yeah yeah excusses excussesan and I thought my maths was bad. Here have a drink it will make it all better:8:
S
sstilingservice
Oh god now my english is playing up it's an epedemic LOL
U
user123
Must be!:lol:
U
user123
PS: you know, I have never felt so much like a drink since being on here...not really a drinker and today I bought some organic beer and a rose sparkling wine....tutut...
D
Deleted member 9966
Have a drink for me G! I'm still on the wagon, 30 days now!
S
sstilingservice
30 days without a drink you are a true hero GRR. MG not realy a drinker alllllllllllll the alcoholics say that.
D
Deleted member 9966
my body is a temple ss :lol:
S
sstilingservice
I'm off the alcho pops as well at the moment , Doing the London Marathon next month so got to whatch the calories. I tell you though when I have done it I going on a bender for a month:8:
U
user123
:hurray:RESPECT!! not for the bender (nononono - and really I drink about 5 units a year tops, usually...may go up to ten now...:lol:..just not part of our lives..) but for the Marathon
Always wanted to do that but have a long history of knee problems so it ain't possible, but that's so good, must be amazing being there...
S
sstilingservice
I will let you know I am looking forward to it. Cr*pping myself a bit as well !!! but hey. Well my knees are ok now may need a wheel chair afterwards ;-)
S
sstilingservice
Hot and Cold sex
>
> After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly
> man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any
> medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
>
> In fact, I do.' said the old man. 'After I
> have sex, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I
> have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and
> sweaty.'
>
> After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said:
> 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical
> concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
>
> The lady replied that she had no questions or
> concerns. The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had
> an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and
> chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then
> hot and sweaty after
> the second time. Do you know why?'
>
> Oh, that crazy old fart!' she replied.
> 'That's because the first time is usually in
> January, and the second time is in August.'
>
> After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly
> man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any
> medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
>
> In fact, I do.' said the old man. 'After I
> have sex, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I
> have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and
> sweaty.'
>
> After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said:
> 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical
> concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
>
> The lady replied that she had no questions or
> concerns. The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had
> an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and
> chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then
> hot and sweaty after
> the second time. Do you know why?'
>
> Oh, that crazy old fart!' she replied.
> 'That's because the first time is usually in
> January, and the second time is in August.'
U
user123
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"
D
doug boardley
what have a woman and a piano got in common? if they're not upright, they're grand!! 🙂oops::ban🙂
G
gaz man
Paddys in bed with his wife at 2 in the morning when the phone rings. Paddy answers and says ring the coastgaurd! Wife says who was that? Dunno replies paddy some silly sod wanting to know if the coast was clear!
P
python
murphy calls to see his mate paddy who has a broken leg.. paddy says, me feet are freezing. could you nip upstairs and fetch me slippers.? no bother he says and runs upstairs.. there are paddy's two stunning 19 yr old daughters sitting on thier bed, hi girls, your dad sent me up here to shag you both. you liar they said. ill prove it said murphy, so he shouts down, both of them pat? of course, what the use of f,,king one? 😳
V
village tiling
3 guys go for a job interview!!
first guy goes in and the boss says b4 we start the interview do u notice anything unusual about me? the guy says yeah you have wonkey ears ones high and ones low!!! the boss says get out im not employing you!!
2nd guy goes in.. boss says b4 we start do you notice anything unusual bout me? guy says yes you have wonkey ears ones high and ones low.. boss says get out im not employing you!!
3rd guy goes in.. boss says b4 we start do you notice anythin unusual bout me the guy says yes!! you wear contect lenses.. the boss says wow how do you know that??
the guy says..thers no way anyone could wear glasses with f***ing ears like that!!!
first guy goes in and the boss says b4 we start the interview do u notice anything unusual about me? the guy says yeah you have wonkey ears ones high and ones low!!! the boss says get out im not employing you!!
2nd guy goes in.. boss says b4 we start do you notice anything unusual bout me? guy says yes you have wonkey ears ones high and ones low.. boss says get out im not employing you!!
3rd guy goes in.. boss says b4 we start do you notice anythin unusual bout me the guy says yes!! you wear contect lenses.. the boss says wow how do you know that??
the guy says..thers no way anyone could wear glasses with f***ing ears like that!!!
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