U
user123
Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
Doctor: "I've got some cream for that."
Doctor: "I've got some cream for that."
Tile Forum | America Tile Forum
Welcome to America Tile Forum, the USA Tile Industry. The Tile Association of America.Discuss Weekend jokes in the UK Tiling Forum area at TilersForums. The USA and UK Tiling Forum (Also now Aus, Canada, ROI, and more)
D
DHTiling
Hell to be old!!!
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a Sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this Jar home and bring back a ***** sample tomorrow.'
The next day the man reappeared at the Doctor's' office and gave him the jar, which was as Clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man Explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried With my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with My left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her Right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She Tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then With her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and She tried too, first with both hands, then an Armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her Knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the Jar open.'
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a Sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this Jar home and bring back a ***** sample tomorrow.'
The next day the man reappeared at the Doctor's' office and gave him the jar, which was as Clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man Explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried With my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with My left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her Right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She Tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then With her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and She tried too, first with both hands, then an Armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her Knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the Jar open.'
D
doug boardley
Little Red Riding Hood skipping through the forest. She came across an elf sat on a toadstool, muttering with his head between his knees.
"Good morning little man, are you a goblin?" asked Little Red Riding Hood.
"NO!! p**s o**! I've just got a headache!", said the elf
"Good morning little man, are you a goblin?" asked Little Red Riding Hood.
"NO!! p**s o**! I've just got a headache!", said the elf
U
user123
A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack thereof] and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"Id like some raisin bread please", the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.
Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices whats going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to sre the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips shes tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"
"No," croaks the old man "... But its startin to twitch."
"Id like some raisin bread please", the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.
Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices whats going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to sre the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips shes tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"
"No," croaks the old man "... But its startin to twitch."
C
cornish_crofter
Gisela
I actually think you have won the Tile forum's "Mind from the Gutter" award!
Either that, or Wivers has hacked into your account!
I actually think you have won the Tile forum's "Mind from the Gutter" award!
Either that, or Wivers has hacked into your account!
Last edited by a moderator:
U
user123
:lol: Well, blame the google homepage humour application, I reckoned if I as a woman can laugh, so will others...hope I didn't offend your sensitivities :lol::lol::lol:
L
Leatherface
An Easter joke..
If Mums have Mothers Day, Fathers have Fathers Day, what day to Single Men have ?
Palm Sunday :lol:
If Mums have Mothers Day, Fathers have Fathers Day, what day to Single Men have ?
Palm Sunday :lol:
Last edited by a moderator:
U
user123
Time off
Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way...
One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.
"How?" asked the second worker.
Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.
Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head’s office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.
"I’m a light bulb" answered the public servant.
"I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that’s an order - and I don’t want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"
"Yes sir", the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.
The second worker was hot on his heels.
"Where do you think you’re going?" the boss asked.
"Home," he said lightly. "I can’t work in the dark."
Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way...
One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.
"How?" asked the second worker.
Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.
Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head’s office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.
"I’m a light bulb" answered the public servant.
"I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that’s an order - and I don’t want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"
"Yes sir", the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.
The second worker was hot on his heels.
"Where do you think you’re going?" the boss asked.
"Home," he said lightly. "I can’t work in the dark."
- Reaction score
- 5
what do you call a husband and wife who go fishing?
.
.
.
.Rod and Annette
I'll leave now!
.
.
.
.Rod and Annette
I'll leave now!
D
doug boardley
Little Red Riding Hood.........a russian contraceptive??
U
user123
Two blondes (editor's PC correction - two not very bright people) living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking ... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ...?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ...?"
U
user123
Some Fish
One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot, father."
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"
The priest says, "Ah, please sir, can you mind your language?"
The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), "I’m sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called---a sonofabitch!"
"Oh, I’m sorry," says the priest. "I didn’t know."
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!"
"Please father," says the bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house of God."
"No, you don’t understand," says the priest. "That’s what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"
"Hmmm," says the bishop. "You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."
So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.
"Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for our dinner tonight with the Pope?"
"My lord, what language!" says the mother.
"No, sister," says the bishop. "That’s what the fish is called---a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we’d like you to cook it"
"Hmmm," replies Mother Superior. "Yes, I’ll cook that sonofabitch tonight."
While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish is superb. He asks where they got it.
"I caught the sonofabitch!" says the priest.
"And I cleaned the sonofabitch!" says the bishop.
"And I cooked the sonofabitch!" says Mother Superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you ****ers are all right.".
One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot, father."
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"
The priest says, "Ah, please sir, can you mind your language?"
The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), "I’m sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called---a sonofabitch!"
"Oh, I’m sorry," says the priest. "I didn’t know."
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!"
"Please father," says the bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house of God."
"No, you don’t understand," says the priest. "That’s what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"
"Hmmm," says the bishop. "You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."
So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.
"Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for our dinner tonight with the Pope?"
"My lord, what language!" says the mother.
"No, sister," says the bishop. "That’s what the fish is called---a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we’d like you to cook it"
"Hmmm," replies Mother Superior. "Yes, I’ll cook that sonofabitch tonight."
While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish is superb. He asks where they got it.
"I caught the sonofabitch!" says the priest.
"And I cleaned the sonofabitch!" says the bishop.
"And I cooked the sonofabitch!" says Mother Superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you ****ers are all right.".
C
CLAYS TILES
i been married a while now & started having errection difficulties........
my wife & i have different ideas what the problem is,she gave me some viagra,
i've bought the fat cow a treadmill
my wife & i have different ideas what the problem is,she gave me some viagra,
i've bought the fat cow a treadmill
G
grumpygrouter
PMSL. Absolute class!!
U
user123
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes", he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here", she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway".
"Now", she said, "if only I could find my parakeet".
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes", he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here", she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway".
"Now", she said, "if only I could find my parakeet".
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