Weekend jokes - Tile Advice

[cornish_crofter]

Three pieces of string walk into a bar

Barman says to the first "Are you a piece of string?"

First replies "Yes"

Barman says to the second "Are you a piece of string?"

Second replies "Yes"

Barman says to the third "Are you a piece of string?"

Third replies "Sorry 'fraid not"

 

[cornish_crofter]

Brunette, Redhead, and a Blonde die in a car crash. (any simularity to the women who were stranded in a desert is entirely coincidental).

The all go up to the Purley Gates and are met by St Peter himself.

"Now Ladies there is a new test to enter here. Passing it will ensure you will enter through the gates, failure will instantly send you down below."

"Each of you is asked to say something about yourself. You must tell the truth.

The brunette is the first as she is so pushy. She says "I think I am very considerate towards others"

POOF, she is engulfed in flames and is sent to Hell for all eternity.

The Redhead, who has not exactly lead a life of celebasy, steps forward and says "I think I have been a good wife to my husband".

POOF, she is engulfed in flames and is sent to Hell for all eternity.

This leaves the blonde, who's only sin is that she is blonde. She stutters...

"erm,,,, I think....."

POOF, she is engulfed in flames and is sent to Hell for all eternity.

 

[CJ]

On a tour of Scotland , the Queen took a couple of days off to visit the west coast. Her Range Rover was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Queen notice just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Glasgow Celtic jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Glasgow Rangers tops sped into view one of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs,immobilising it instantly.The other two reached out and pulled the Celtic fan from the water and using long clubs beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore...... It was the Queen calling them to the beach.
On reaching land the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I heard that the
people of Scotland were bigoted and trying to divide the country in two but now I see this is a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony which could serve as a model for other nations."
She knighted them and drove off. As she departed the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that?!"
"That," one answered, "was the Queen. She rules Britain and knows everything about our country."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "she knows nowt about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up? Or do we need to get another one?

 

[cornish_crofter]

Another car crash, it's absolute carnage out there on the Tilers Forums virtual road network at the moment. Anyway this particular incident despatches three men of no particular hair colour (assuming they've got hair and don't moderate the forum):lol::lol::lol:

The three men float up to the Purley Gates and meet St Peter, who has just despatched those three ladies in the previous joke.

"New Rules" says St Peter. You're all going to come in but I need each of you to answer this question TRUTHFULLY. Your answers will determine what car you will drive whilst you're here"

"I'll start with you sir" He says Gesturing to the first chap.

"How many times have you been unfaithful to your wife?"

"Erm, Hmm, Twice" replies the first gent.

"Thankyou" replies St Peter "Here are the keys to that Mondeo over there"

Then he turns to chap #2

"How many times have you been unfaithful to your wife?"

"Just the once" replies the second gent.

"Thankyou" replies St Peter "You get the Jag"

Finally he turns to the last chap, who life has not been too kind to.

"How many times have you been unfaithful to your wife?"

"Erm, none" replies the last gent.

"Thankyou" replies St Peter "You can have the Rolls"

Elated the chap thanks St Peter and leaves in his new car and all seems to be well.

A few weeks later, the mondeo driver spots the Rolls driver sitting by the side of the road crying his heart out.

"What an earth is the matter with you?" asks the Mondeo driver. "You've got the best of everything up here, you're driving a really nice car etc whilst I'm stuck with this Mondeo for all eternity!"

"It's not that" weeps the Rolls driver "My wife's up here too, I've just seen her drive past in a Lada!"

 

[cornish_crofter]

Wivers and other non identifyable normal forum member go up to St Peter at the Purley Gates.

"Sorry, we're full at the moment, Hell's got a couple of places"

So, off to hell they go.

After a little while, the well adjusted forum member (we'll call him Bob) approaches the Devil and asks "What do you have to do to get out of this place?"

"Well" says the Devil. "I hear that they've got more room upstairs at the moment, and if you can do something for me I'll arrange it with Pete and we'll sort out a transfer"

Elated, Bob says "Anything, you name it and it's done"

"Not so hasty" replies the Devil. "You don't know what it is yet"

What could be worse than staying here for all eternity? Thinks Bob. His curiosity is soon put to rest.....

"You must spend one night with that" says the Devil as he gestures towards the most grotesque, sickest, depraved female creature Bob has ever set eyes on.

"YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING!" replies Bob.

"Your funurel" laughs the Devil, as he leaves Bob to stew in Hell

A few weeks later, and Bob's lot isn't getting any better. He approaches the Devil and asks if the deal is still on.

"Hmm, OK" says the Devil "Tonight is your night"

So, Bob prepares himself for the deed and the worst night of his life, or afterlife ensues. In the morning he is repulsed and sickened beyond measure by his ordeal. However his mood is lifted when the Devil approaches him and confirms that Heaven awaits his arrival.

So Bob packs his bags and is just leaving his room, when he catches a glimps into Wiver's room and sees the most beautiful woman getting dressed, after what seemed like a night of passion for Wivers.

Fourious, he marches over to the Devil "HOW DARE YOU! I HAD TO PUT UP WITH THE CREATURE FROM THE LAGOON AND WIVERS GETS TO SLEEP WITH THAT BEAUTY - WHY?"

The Devil replies "Well I would have thought it would be obvious - she wanted to get out too!"

 

[wivers]

*******!!

 

[wivers]

News flash!!!!

A burglary has just been committed at Manchester City's stadium and the entire contents of the trophy room was stolen. Police are hunting a man carrying a pale blue carpet!

 

[user123]

:lol::lol::lol:

 

[wivers]

3 Rottweilers are in a waiting room at the vets surgery and after a while get talking.

"i was out walking with my master" says the first dog " when a mugger attacked him, so i chased him and bit him to death and thats why i'm here to be put down".

The second dog says, " I was in the house when a burglar broke in and tried to steal the tv so i jumped on him and bit his arm off, thats why i'm here being put down"

The third dog says, " I was in the bedroom and saw my masters wife naked and bending over the bath , so i sneaked up and gave her a one from behind"

"They are putting you down for that reply the other 2 dogs"!?

"No she's brought me here to have my claws clipped!"

 

[cornish_crofter]

*******!!

You liked that one then did you Wivers?:lol:

 

[wivers]

Yes it wasn't bad Mr pasty. If thats what hells like though...count me in!!!!!

 

[brian c]

6 reasons why men prefer guns to women.

1. you can trade an old 45 for a 22.
2.you can admire a friends gun and he will let you try it.
3.your gun stays with you even if you run out of ammo.
4.guns function normally EVERYDAY.
5.guns dont mindif you go to sleep after you use them.
6.YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN:lol::lol::lol:

 

[user123]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he
wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of
many.'


The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said 'I am the Father of hundreds', and
went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards
instead of your collar.'

 

[enduro]

A man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm, and says to the barman can i have a pint and one for the road!!!!

 

[cornish_crofter]

This one's off Only Fools and Horses.

Rob, Mick etc and anyone who may not know, this is a comedy about a couple of brothers who live in Peckam in London and are market traders.

Del is a typical wheeler dealer type. He's always got a roomful of knocked off Rolex watches etc, Rodney, his younger bo, isn't the sharpest pencil in the box. He has also been done for posession of cannabis whilst at art college.

They're in a posh London bar chatting up these two women. They are pretending that they are professional tennis players.

During the conversation, one of them turns around to Rodney and asks "So do you prefer grass or astroturf (to play tennis on)?"

Rodney replies "I wouldn't know, I've never smoked astro turf"