Weekend jokes - Tile Advice

[Spud]

Paddy Murphy Ireland's best golfer was having a round of golf ,he was at the first tee and played his first shot straight into a wooded area near the fairway, second shot he hits it as hard as he can, the ball hits a tree bounces straight back at his forehead and kills him stone dead ,
As Paddy arrives at the pearly gates St. Peter smirks and says " good golfer" paddy looks back at him and replies "I got here in 2 didnt I ?"

 

[cornish_crofter]

Man in a bar turns around to the guy sitting next to him, and says "Do you want to hear this really good blonde joke?"

The 2nd man says "You're blind aren't you?"

1st mas responds "How did you know that?"

2nd man responds "Well, you obviously don't know that I'm blonde, as are the two women who are with me, The barmaid is blond and so is the bouncer. That makes 5 blonde people in hearing distance. Now, are you sure you still want to tell your joke?"

1st man "Nah, not if I have to explain it 5 times".

 

[cornish_crofter]

What term is given to a blonde who has dyed her hair a different colour?

Artificial intelligence.

 

[doug boardley]

difference between delia smith and a cross country run... one is a pant in the country...

 

[user123]

Anyone Here


Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled:

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away:

"Hello! We're down here..."

 

[doug boardley]

Rembrandt walks into a bar and sees Vincent van Gogh."Hey Vincent, fancy a pint" says Rembrandt
"No thanks" says van Gogh
"Just got one 'ere"

 

[DHTiling]

:smilewinkgrin:

 

[doug boardley]

two sperms swimming around a woman's body, one says to the other,
"Are we near the womb yet?" the other replies,
"Don't think so, we've just passed the tonsils"

 

[Spud]

There was a nasty crash on the M11 near Harlow today it involved a couple from Essex ,when the paramedics arrived at the scene the Girl was covered in blood , "where are you bleeding from?" asked the concerned paramedic "brentwood!" she replied

 

[user123]

Paddy and the Jigsaw
Paddy walks through town one day when he spots an interesting looking box in a shop window.

He enters the shop, grabs the box and gives it a shake.
Paddy thinks to himself 'God, this must be some sort of million piece jigsaw'. He buys the jigsaw.

When he arrives home, he pours the jigsaw out accross the table. But all of the pieces are the same. Paddy tries turning them over but they still all look the same. So he decides to ring up his mate Patrick.

'Hello Patrick?'

'Hello Paddy!'

'Patrick I've got a bit of a problem. I've bought this million piece jigsaw and all of the pieces look the same.

'Well have you tried turning them over Paddy?'

'Yes,yes I've tried that andthey still all look the same.'

'OK I'll come round to your house in a minute, but tell me one more thing, what's on the front of the box?'

'Oh, some sort of cockerel.'

When Patrick arrives at Paddy's, he takes him through to the living room where the jigsaw is laid out accross the table.

'You see Patrick, this is my million piece jigsaw with all the pieces that look the same.'

And Patrick says...

'Paddy,that's a box of corn flakes!!!'

 

[cornish_crofter]

Boeing 747 is en route from New York to Montreal, when a very pretty blonde in economy class gets up from her seat, walks to the first class cabin and occupies an empty seat within.

A stewardess notices this, approaches the passenger and politely asks her to return to her seat in economy class.

"I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!" exclaims the passenger.

The stewardess then engages the help of her boss, the chief steward. He then approaches the passenger and makes the same request.

"I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!" exclaims the passenger.

The steward has run out of ideas and approaches the first officer in the cockpit. the first officer then goes up to the troublesome passenger to insist that she return to her economy class seat.

"I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!" shouts the passenger.

The First Officer is now stuck for ideas so he approaches the captain, whos respose is "Don't worry I'm married to a blonde, so I speak blonde. I'll handle this".

He strolls across to the passenger and before he even opens his mouth she yells, so all the first class passengers can hear "I have told you people 3 times, can't you get it into your thick heads? I'll tell you again, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!"

The captain never brakes his stride. He walkes right up to her, leans over towards her, wispers something in her ear and then stands up straight lookin at her.

The woman looks extremely embarressed, stands up and hurridly walks back to her economy class seat. The situation is over.

When the captain returns to the cockpit the fist officer asks him what he wispered to the blonde to make her comply so readily.

"Simple really" said the captain "I told her that First Class wasn't going to Montreal"

 

[user123]

THE YOUNG BUSINESSMAN


A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

 

[DHTiling]

From my mate marc..

....:smilewinkgrin:


The wifes gone to hospital!!
With 2 black eyes and a broken nose and a fractured jaw,
seems we were on different wave lengths when she said,














"i want decking in the garden"

 

[cornish_crofter]

Two sisters, a brunette and a blonde have a ranch and only $1000 to their name. However they do have a herd of cattle with no bull, and a truck and livestock trailer with a full tank of gas.

They both decide that the best way out of their predicament was to use the money to buy a bull to mate with their cows to breed more cattle.

In order to preserve the gas they decide that the brunette should go scouting for a suitable bull, and the blonde would then follow with the truck and trailer to collect it.

After several days of walking around the state looking, tired and hungry the brunette spots a suitable bull, but she can't get the price below $999. reluctantly she agrees to the purchase on the condition that the owners would stable the bull until the sister gets to pick it up. She then has one more problem, She only has one dollar and still has to get word to her sister to come and get the bull.

She finds a place where she can send a telegram, but they charge by the word. She is shocked to find that they charge $1 per word! So she thinks about it carefully and asks them to include only one word in the telegram.

'Comfortable'

"Will that get the message accross to her?" asks the operator

"Don't worry, she's blonde" replied the brunette, "She'll read it slowly"

 

[Fekin]

Some good ones there