Weekend jokes - Tile Advice

[user123]

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievious. Whenever something went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits’ end trying to control them. Hearing about a minister nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the minister to talk with the boys. The father agreed.

The mother went to the minister and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the minister. The minister sat the boy down on the other side of his huge, impressive desk. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other.

Finally, the minister pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the minister pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing.

A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the minister leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy’s nose, and asked "Where is God?"

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in B-I-I-I-I-G trouble now!"

The older boy asked, "What do you mean, B-I-I-I-I-G trouble?"

His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."

 

[user123]

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hey, where am I?". The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane.". The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it. "Elementary," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."

 

[user123]

The Pope ...
The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaites him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There’s no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I’m the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn’t tell me..."

The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church..."

St. Peter: "The Catholic church ...Never heard of it... Wait, I’ll check with the boss."

St. Peter walks away through Heaven’s Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: "There’s a dude standing outside who claims he’s your representative on earth."

God: "I don’t have a representative on earth, not that I know of... Wait, I’ll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)

Jesus: "Yes father, what’s up?"

God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus: "Wait, I’ll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."

Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he’s laughing.

Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I’ve started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"

 

[sstilingservice]

> >>>> Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch
> >>>> together.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Shrek said, 'I've always thought that I'm the strongest man in
> >>>> the world, but how can I be sure?'
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Angelina Jolie agreed. 'I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them
> >>>> all, but sometimes I wonder.'
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but
> >>>> I've
> >>>> never had it confirmed.'
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs
> >>>> were true was to ask the famed talking 'mirror, mirror on the wall' to
> >>>> confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina Jo! lie was
> >>>> the most gorgeous and Brad Pitt was the sexiest.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss
> >>>> their findings.
> >>>>
> >>>> The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, true. The
> >>>> mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.'
> >>>>
> >>>> Angelina Jolie perked up and said: 'And I know for sure that I'm the most gorgeous
> >>>> woman alive.'
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> But Brad Pitt lifted his sad, sexy face and said
> >>>>
> >>>> 'Who the hell is Steve at SS Tiling Services???????????
> >>>>
> >>>> (...didn't see that coming did you? Now hit forward, change my
> >>>> name to yours and send to all your friends.)
> >>>>

 

[chris.tiling]

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f* # k do you want?'
'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. 'Ryanair'.

 

[cornish_crofter]

> >>>> Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch
> >>>> together.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Shrek said, 'I've always thought that I'm the strongest man in
> >>>> the world, but how can I be sure?'
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Angelina Jolie agreed. 'I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them
> >>>> all, but sometimes I wonder.'
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but
> >>>> I've
> >>>> never had it confirmed.'
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs
> >>>> were true was to ask the famed talking 'mirror, mirror on the wall' to
> >>>> confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina Jo! lie was
> >>>> the most gorgeous and Brad Pitt was the sexiest.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss
> >>>> their findings.
> >>>>
> >>>> The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, true. The
> >>>> mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.'
> >>>>
> >>>> Angelina Jolie perked up and said: 'And I know for sure that I'm the most gorgeous
> >>>> woman alive.'
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> But Brad Pitt lifted his sad, sexy face and said
> >>>>
> >>>> 'Who the hell is Steve at SS Tiling Services???????????
> >>>>
> >>>> (...didn't see that coming did you? Now hit forward, change my
> >>>> name to yours and send to all your friends.)
> >>>>

Works if you're a bloke :lol::lol:

 

[user123]

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

 

[cornish_crofter]

Surely a girl can only eat so many joke books :lol::lol:

 

[user123]

Surely a girl can only eat so many joke books :lol::lol:

:lol::lol::lol: One of my home pages is the google page and one of the applications is a daily humour one, so I'm just passing the benefit on...:lol:, no hardship, honest....

 

[sstilingservice]

A Letter from David ...

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try to show some understanding. My name is David , and let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Beverly.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to get a full time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the country club, so eating out again at night is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooking when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that this is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice , big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too --- or just bring me a cold beer in a frosted mug.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bev, and I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older, but, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,


David



EDITOR'S NOTE:

David died tragically on March 1st of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and with a sledge hammer lying nearby.

His wife Beverly was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that David somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

 

[user123]

Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

 

[sstilingservice]

Man goes to the doctors ....

Man: "I think I'm going deaf, Doctor"

Doctor: "Describe the symptoms"

Man: "Homer's the fat one and Marge has blue hair....."

 

[user123]

The chicken and the road
Why did the chicken cross the road?:

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

IMMANUEL KANT: The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history.

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don’t know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.

MOSAIC GIRL: Leave the chicken ALONE!!!!

 

[sstilingservice]

KFC: Said The chicken only crossed the road the once then it was deep fried and stuck in a box with chips ;-)

 

[user123]

:lol: but what does SStiling services say???