Weekend jokes

[user123]

Gisela

I actually think you have one the Tile forum's "Mind from the Gutter" award!

Either that, or Wivers has hacked into your account!

:lol: Well, blame the google homepage humour application, I reckoned if I as a woman can laugh, so will others...hope I didn't offend your sensitivities :lol::lol::lol:

 

[Leatherface]

An Easter joke..
If Mums have Mothers Day, Fathers have Fathers Day, what day to Single Men have ?
Palm Sunday :lol:

 

[user123]

Time off
Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way...
One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.

"How?" asked the second worker.

Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.

Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head’s office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.

"I’m a light bulb" answered the public servant.

"I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that’s an order - and I don’t want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"

"Yes sir", the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.

The second worker was hot on his heels.

"Where do you think you’re going?" the boss asked.

"Home," he said lightly. "I can’t work in the dark."

 

[chris.tiling]

what do you call a husband and wife who go fishing?
.
.
.
.Rod and Annette


I'll leave now!

 

[doug boardley]

Little Red Riding Hood.........a russian contraceptive??

 

[user123]

Two blondes (editor's PC correction - two not very bright people) living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking ... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ...?"

 

[user123]

Some Fish
One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot, father."
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"

The priest says, "Ah, please sir, can you mind your language?"

The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), "I’m sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called---a sonofabitch!"

"Oh, I’m sorry," says the priest. "I didn’t know."

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!"

"Please father," says the bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house of God."

"No, you don’t understand," says the priest. "That’s what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"

"Hmmm," says the bishop. "You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."

So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.

"Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for our dinner tonight with the Pope?"

"My lord, what language!" says the mother.

"No, sister," says the bishop. "That’s what the fish is called---a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we’d like you to cook it"

"Hmmm," replies Mother Superior. "Yes, I’ll cook that sonofabitch tonight."

While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish is superb. He asks where they got it.

"I caught the sonofabitch!" says the priest.

"And I cleaned the sonofabitch!" says the bishop.

"And I cooked the sonofabitch!" says Mother Superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you ****ers are all right.".

 

[CLAYS TILES]

i been married a while now & started having errection difficulties........
my wife & i have different ideas what the problem is,she gave me some viagra,
i've bought the fat cow a treadmill

 

[grumpygrouter]

what do you call a husband and wife who go fishing?
.
.
.
.Rod and Annette


I'll leave now!

PMSL. Absolute class!!

 

[user123]

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes", he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here", she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway".

"Now", she said, "if only I could find my parakeet".