Weekend jokes - Tile Advice

[user123]

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"

 

[doug boardley]

what have a woman and a piano got in common? if they're not upright, they're grand!! oops::ban

 

[gaz man]

Paddys in bed with his wife at 2 in the morning when the phone rings. Paddy answers and says ring the coastgaurd! Wife says who was that? Dunno replies paddy some silly sod wanting to know if the coast was clear!

 

[python]

murphy calls to see his mate paddy who has a broken leg.. paddy says, me feet are freezing. could you nip upstairs and fetch me slippers.? no bother he says and runs upstairs.. there are paddy's two stunning 19 yr old daughters sitting on thier bed, hi girls, your dad sent me up here to shag you both. you liar they said. ill prove it said murphy, so he shouts down, both of them pat? of course, what the use of f,,king one?

 

[village tiling]

3 guys go for a job interview!!
first guy goes in and the boss says b4 we start the interview do u notice anything unusual about me? the guy says yeah you have wonkey ears ones high and ones low!!! the boss says get out im not employing you!!

2nd guy goes in.. boss says b4 we start do you notice anything unusual bout me? guy says yes you have wonkey ears ones high and ones low.. boss says get out im not employing you!!

3rd guy goes in.. boss says b4 we start do you notice anythin unusual bout me the guy says yes!! you wear contect lenses.. the boss says wow how do you know that??
the guy says..thers no way anyone could wear glasses with f***ing ears like that!!!

 

[Gazzer]

Englishman, scotsman and Irishman apply for a job.
Englishman walks into the interview room and a man at a desk holds out both arms " which one is my right hand" says the man, The Englishman points to the righthand of the man. "Ok wait outside"

When he gets outside he tells the Scotsman and Irishman what happened. "easy question" he says and " just tell him which is his right hand" and the Englishman raises his right arm.

Scotsman walks in and the same thing happpens.

When he gets back to the other Englishman and Irishman he tells his story and raises his right arm.

The Irishman walks in and finds the man at a basin washing his hands and shouts " For christ sake dont shuffle them"

 

[DHTiling]

Jokes are good......BUT lets keep the swearing down please.....especially python...:yikes:

 

[python]

sorry mate. tried to edit it but cant, please just remove it as its not worth a telling off from yourself and a mod too,. cheers

 

[user123]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here
to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly:

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...

"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ??"

 

[sstilingservice]

Here's one for you girlies

LOYAL WIFE




There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.


Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me.'


And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.


Well, he died . . .

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait, just a minute!'


She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket..

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.


Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'


The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'


'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him !!! ?'

'I sure did' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'


Moral of the story: Women are cleverer than Men .....

 

[user123]

Paddy...goes flying
Paddy went to a flight school insisting that he wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct him by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took him out, showed him how to start it and gave him the basics, and sent him on his way.

After he climbed 1000 feet, he radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, he radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched him climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that he hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as Paddy crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled him from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, Paddy said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

 

[cornish_crofter]

An Englishman, Scotsman, Irishman and a Chinese man all apply to work on a building site for one month.

The Englishman tells the site manager that he is a brickie, so the site manager offers him employment and sets him to work laying bricks.

The Scotsman tells the site manager that he can form concrete so he gets put to work shuttering up and pouring concrete.

The Irishman turns out to be a chippy, so he is set about installing doors and windows.

The Chinese man, as it happens has never worked on a building site before now but has had a brilliant career in logistics, so the site manager puts him to work on organising supplies.

One week later the Site Manager arrives to check on progress.

He surveys the brickwork and thanks and pays the Englishman.

He then surveys the concrete then thanks and pays the Scotsman.

He then surveys the joinery then thanks and pays the Irishman.

During conversation, it appears none have seen the Chinese man all week.

"Where on earth can he be?" asks the Site Manager.

Moments later, the missing Chinese Man pops up from behind a stack of bricks and shouts.......

"Supplies!"

 

[user123]

Bad Luck
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
- "But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".

- "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."

- "But officer, I just wanted to say...."

- "And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,
- "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back."

- "Don’t count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I’m the groom."

 

[cornish_crofter]

A city dweller is fed up with life in the fast lane and decides to get a job in the country as a sheep farmer's labourer.

He applies for and gets the job of his dreams. He's working long hours but loves the country air, miles away from mobile phones, fax machines, computer screens etc. He is enjoying the freedom.

However, this is a very remote area, and the only people he sees from day to day are his boss and his fellow labourers.

So one day, missing female company he askes where the nearest women are to be found, only to be disappointed to hear that there are none for miles around, and he's only likely to be able to meet up with a woman whilst on leave.

"How do you guys get by?" he asks.

One of his colleagues gestures over to the flock of sheep.

"You're kidding, no way!" says the ex city dweller.

"We're not" replies the old hand "It's the way here".

So after much deliberation over several weeks, he decides that he has to take the plunge, so he selects his sheep and........ well.......

He then sees all his fellow labourers standing at the end of the field laughing at him.

"You cruel (insert relevent term here)s! You told me you all did this!!!!"

"No, it's not that, you chose the ugly one!"

 

[user123]

British humour...

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your Cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong ***** out the window."