Weekend jokes

[user123]

Paddy...goes flying
Paddy went to a flight school insisting that he wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct him by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took him out, showed him how to start it and gave him the basics, and sent him on his way.

After he climbed 1000 feet, he radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, he radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched him climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that he hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as Paddy crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled him from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, Paddy said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

 

[cornish_crofter]

An Englishman, Scotsman, Irishman and a Chinese man all apply to work on a building site for one month.

The Englishman tells the site manager that he is a brickie, so the site manager offers him employment and sets him to work laying bricks.

The Scotsman tells the site manager that he can form concrete so he gets put to work shuttering up and pouring concrete.

The Irishman turns out to be a chippy, so he is set about installing doors and windows.

The Chinese man, as it happens has never worked on a building site before now but has had a brilliant career in logistics, so the site manager puts him to work on organising supplies.

One week later the Site Manager arrives to check on progress.

He surveys the brickwork and thanks and pays the Englishman.

He then surveys the concrete then thanks and pays the Scotsman.

He then surveys the joinery then thanks and pays the Irishman.

During conversation, it appears none have seen the Chinese man all week.

"Where on earth can he be?" asks the Site Manager.

Moments later, the missing Chinese Man pops up from behind a stack of bricks and shouts.......

"Supplies!"

 

[user123]

Bad Luck
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
- "But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".

- "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."

- "But officer, I just wanted to say...."

- "And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,
- "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back."

- "Don’t count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I’m the groom."

 

[cornish_crofter]

A city dweller is fed up with life in the fast lane and decides to get a job in the country as a sheep farmer's labourer.

He applies for and gets the job of his dreams. He's working long hours but loves the country air, miles away from mobile phones, fax machines, computer screens etc. He is enjoying the freedom.

However, this is a very remote area, and the only people he sees from day to day are his boss and his fellow labourers.

So one day, missing female company he askes where the nearest women are to be found, only to be disappointed to hear that there are none for miles around, and he's only likely to be able to meet up with a woman whilst on leave.

"How do you guys get by?" he asks.

One of his colleagues gestures over to the flock of sheep.

"You're kidding, no way!" says the ex city dweller.

"We're not" replies the old hand "It's the way here".

So after much deliberation over several weeks, he decides that he has to take the plunge, so he selects his sheep and........ well.......

He then sees all his fellow labourers standing at the end of the field laughing at him.

"You cruel (insert relevent term here)s! You told me you all did this!!!!"

"No, it's not that, you chose the ugly one!"

 

[user123]

British humour...

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your Cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong ***** out the window."

 

[user123]

Arthritis
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest,
- "Father, what causes arthritis?"

- "Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.

- "Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized:
- "I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

- "I don’t have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."

 

[murf]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want".
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini".
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. "No Sister, he laughs, this says 'Sahara Pipeline, laid by 500 men in 7 days'!"

 

[user123]

aaawww, bless 'er...:lol:

 

[user123]

Fixing an ailment
In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave. This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for her questioning.

When Patty came into the office, she was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor. "Patty, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nodded, and the doctor began to question her.

The first question was this: "Patty, if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what would happen?" "I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought. "What would happen if I poked out the other eye?" "I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that she had just gotten her freedom. The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.

When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?" "I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.

This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. "Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?" "I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."

 

[murf]

Q: What is common between a 3-pin plug and the England football team?
A: They are both useless in Europe!:hurray: