Weekend jokes

[chris.tiling]

One for the boys....

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She’ll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he "putt-putted". He "putted", down one hill and "putted up" the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and "rrriiiiippp!" It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.
Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go.
This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.
When he heard the "phone farewells" (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peaked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled "Surprise!!"
To his shock & terror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Was it Wivers or CJ???

 

[user123]

Old Folks
One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age."
The man doesn’t believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.

"Pull down your pants," she says.

He doesn’t understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You’re 84 years old."

"That’s amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"

"You told me yesterday."

 

[user123]

Was it Wivers or CJ???

Could have been either, couldn't it...:lol::lol::lol:

 

[chris.tiling]

Could have been either, couldn't it...:lol::lol::lol:

I knew it wasnt me, cos I would have remembered it, so that only leaves them really!?!?!

 

[doug boardley]

husband; "let's try missionary position tonight"
wife; "sounds jolly exciting, how do we do it?"
husband; " basically, I just lie here, while you off to Africa!"

 

[user123]

Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."

Doctor: "I've got some cream for that."

 

[DHTiling]

Hell to be old!!!


OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!


An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a Sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this Jar home and bring back a ***** sample tomorrow.'

The next day the man reappeared at the Doctor's' office and gave him the jar, which was as Clean and empty as on the previous day.


The doctor asked what happened and the man Explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried With my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with My left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her Right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She Tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then With her teeth out, still nothing.


'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and She tried too, first with both hands, then an Armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her Knees, but still nothing.'


The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'



The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the Jar open.'

 

[doug boardley]

Little Red Riding Hood skipping through the forest. She came across an elf sat on a toadstool, muttering with his head between his knees.
"Good morning little man, are you a goblin?" asked Little Red Riding Hood.
"NO!! p**s o**! I've just got a headache!", said the elf

 

[user123]

A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack thereof] and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"Id like some raisin bread please", the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.

Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices whats going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to sre the clerk climb up and down.

After many trips shes tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"

"No," croaks the old man "... But its startin to twitch."

 

[cornish_crofter]

Gisela

I actually think you have won the Tile forum's "Mind from the Gutter" award!

Either that, or Wivers has hacked into your account!