Weekend jokes

[user123]

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a 20p coin and a 10p piece -- Little Johnny always takes the 10 pence.

One day, after Johnny takes the 10p, a neighbour takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that 20p is worth more than 10p, even though the 10p coin is bigger?"

Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the 20p, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made nearly 10 quid!"

 

[user123]

Q: What do you call a cow with two legs?

A: Lean beef.

 

[DHTiling]

It has emerged that terrorists are smuggling quantities of explosive into the country in tins of spaghetti alphabets..



Police have conformed they are following up on the allegation and have warned consumers to use caution handling tins as sudden movements could spell disaster

 

[doug boardley]

went to the Dr the other day, about my willy!
She had a good look at it and said,
"there's nothing wrong with your willy, Doug"
I zipped up and said,
"I know, it's a belter isn't it!"

 

[doug boardley]

why doesn't a pig's tail get up at 4 o'clock in the morning?.......................
'cos it's t'wirly ! :dizzy2::ban:

 

[Mark B]

A woman was out playing golf one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three
wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband
the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and
he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he
will be ten times richer than you.'

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is
mine.'

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild
heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here
and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

! Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that
women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.

 

[doug boardley]

lol!! Mark B

 

[chris.tiling]

When Ralph first noticed that his willy was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his willy had grown to nearly twenty inches.

Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing,and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

'How long will Ralph be on crutches?' the wife asked anxiously. 'Crutches? Why would he need crutches?' responded the surprised doctor.

'Well,' said the wife coldly, 'you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

 

[user123]

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mum, "Where did we get him?"

His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."

Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"

 

[user123]

One for the boys....

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She’ll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he "putt-putted". He "putted", down one hill and "putted up" the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and "rrriiiiippp!" It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.
Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go.
This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.
When he heard the "phone farewells" (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peaked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled "Surprise!!"
To his shock & terror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

 

[chris.tiling]

One for the boys....

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She’ll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he "putt-putted". He "putted", down one hill and "putted up" the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and "rrriiiiippp!" It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.
Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go.
This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.
When he heard the "phone farewells" (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peaked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled "Surprise!!"
To his shock & terror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Was it Wivers or CJ???

 

[user123]

Old Folks
One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age."
The man doesn’t believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.

"Pull down your pants," she says.

He doesn’t understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You’re 84 years old."

"That’s amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"

"You told me yesterday."

 

[user123]

Was it Wivers or CJ???

Could have been either, couldn't it...:lol::lol::lol:

 

[chris.tiling]

Could have been either, couldn't it...:lol::lol::lol:

I knew it wasnt me, cos I would have remembered it, so that only leaves them really!?!?!

 

[doug boardley]

husband; "let's try missionary position tonight"
wife; "sounds jolly exciting, how do we do it?"
husband; " basically, I just lie here, while you off to Africa!"

 

[user123]

Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."

Doctor: "I've got some cream for that."

 

[DHTiling]

Hell to be old!!!


OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!


An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a Sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this Jar home and bring back a ***** sample tomorrow.'

The next day the man reappeared at the Doctor's' office and gave him the jar, which was as Clean and empty as on the previous day.


The doctor asked what happened and the man Explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried With my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with My left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her Right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She Tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then With her teeth out, still nothing.


'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and She tried too, first with both hands, then an Armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her Knees, but still nothing.'


The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'



The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the Jar open.'

 

[doug boardley]

Little Red Riding Hood skipping through the forest. She came across an elf sat on a toadstool, muttering with his head between his knees.
"Good morning little man, are you a goblin?" asked Little Red Riding Hood.
"NO!! p**s o**! I've just got a headache!", said the elf

 

[user123]

A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack thereof] and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"Id like some raisin bread please", the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.

Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices whats going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to sre the clerk climb up and down.

After many trips shes tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"

"No," croaks the old man "... But its startin to twitch."

 

[cornish_crofter]

Gisela

I actually think you have won the Tile forum's "Mind from the Gutter" award!

Either that, or Wivers has hacked into your account!

 

[user123]

Gisela

I actually think you have one the Tile forum's "Mind from the Gutter" award!

Either that, or Wivers has hacked into your account!

:lol: Well, blame the google homepage humour application, I reckoned if I as a woman can laugh, so will others...hope I didn't offend your sensitivities :lol::lol::lol:

 

[Leatherface]

An Easter joke..
If Mums have Mothers Day, Fathers have Fathers Day, what day to Single Men have ?
Palm Sunday :lol:

 

[user123]

Time off
Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way...
One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.

"How?" asked the second worker.

Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.

Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head’s office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.

"I’m a light bulb" answered the public servant.

"I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that’s an order - and I don’t want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"

"Yes sir", the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.

The second worker was hot on his heels.

"Where do you think you’re going?" the boss asked.

"Home," he said lightly. "I can’t work in the dark."

 

[chris.tiling]

what do you call a husband and wife who go fishing?
.
.
.
.Rod and Annette


I'll leave now!

 

[doug boardley]

Little Red Riding Hood.........a russian contraceptive??

 

[user123]

Two blondes (editor's PC correction - two not very bright people) living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking ... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ...?"

 

[user123]

Some Fish
One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot, father."
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"

The priest says, "Ah, please sir, can you mind your language?"

The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), "I’m sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called---a sonofabitch!"

"Oh, I’m sorry," says the priest. "I didn’t know."

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!"

"Please father," says the bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house of God."

"No, you don’t understand," says the priest. "That’s what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"

"Hmmm," says the bishop. "You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."

So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.

"Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for our dinner tonight with the Pope?"

"My lord, what language!" says the mother.

"No, sister," says the bishop. "That’s what the fish is called---a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we’d like you to cook it"

"Hmmm," replies Mother Superior. "Yes, I’ll cook that sonofabitch tonight."

While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish is superb. He asks where they got it.

"I caught the sonofabitch!" says the priest.

"And I cleaned the sonofabitch!" says the bishop.

"And I cooked the sonofabitch!" says Mother Superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you ****ers are all right.".

 

[CLAYS TILES]

i been married a while now & started having errection difficulties........
my wife & i have different ideas what the problem is,she gave me some viagra,
i've bought the fat cow a treadmill

 

[grumpygrouter]

what do you call a husband and wife who go fishing?
.
.
.
.Rod and Annette


I'll leave now!

PMSL. Absolute class!!

 

[user123]

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes", he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here", she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway".

"Now", she said, "if only I could find my parakeet".