Weekend jokes

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> >>>> Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch
> >>>> together.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Shrek said, 'I've always thought that I'm the strongest man in
> >>>> the world, but how can I be sure?'
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Angelina Jolie agreed. 'I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them
> >>>> all, but sometimes I wonder.'
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but
> >>>> I've
> >>>> never had it confirmed.'
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs
> >>>> were true was to ask the famed talking 'mirror, mirror on the wall' to
> >>>> confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina Jo! lie was
> >>>> the most gorgeous and Brad Pitt was the sexiest.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss
> >>>> their findings.
> >>>>
> >>>> The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, true. The
> >>>> mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.'
> >>>>
> >>>> Angelina Jolie perked up and said: 'And I know for sure that I'm the most gorgeous
> >>>> woman alive.'
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> But Brad Pitt lifted his sad, sexy face and said
> >>>>
> >>>> 'Who the hell is Steve at SS Tiling Services???????????
> >>>>
> >>>> (...didn't see that coming did you? Now hit forward, change my
> >>>> name to yours and send to all your friends.)
> >>>>
 
A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f* # k do you want?'
'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. 'Ryanair'.
 
> >>>> Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch
> >>>> together.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Shrek said, 'I've always thought that I'm the strongest man in
> >>>> the world, but how can I be sure?'
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Angelina Jolie agreed. 'I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them
> >>>> all, but sometimes I wonder.'
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but
> >>>> I've
> >>>> never had it confirmed.'
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs
> >>>> were true was to ask the famed talking 'mirror, mirror on the wall' to
> >>>> confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina Jo! lie was
> >>>> the most gorgeous and Brad Pitt was the sexiest.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss
> >>>> their findings.
> >>>>
> >>>> The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, true. The
> >>>> mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.'
> >>>>
> >>>> Angelina Jolie perked up and said: 'And I know for sure that I'm the most gorgeous
> >>>> woman alive.'
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> But Brad Pitt lifted his sad, sexy face and said
> >>>>
> >>>> 'Who the hell is Steve at SS Tiling Services???????????
> >>>>
> >>>> (...didn't see that coming did you? Now hit forward, change my
> >>>> name to yours and send to all your friends.)
> >>>>

Works if you're a bloke :lol::lol:
 
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
 
A Letter from David ...

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try to show some understanding. My name is David , and let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Beverly.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to get a full time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the country club, so eating out again at night is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooking when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that this is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice , big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too --- or just bring me a cold beer in a frosted mug.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bev, and I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older, but, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,


David



EDITOR'S NOTE:

David died tragically on March 1st of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and with a sledge hammer lying nearby.

His wife Beverly was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that David somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
 
Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
 


Man goes to the doctors ....

Man: "I think I'm going deaf, Doctor"


Doctor: "Describe the symptoms"


Man: "Homer's the fat one and Marge has blue hair....."
 
The chicken and the road
Why did the chicken cross the road?:

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

IMMANUEL KANT: The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history.

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don’t know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.

MOSAIC GIRL: Leave the chicken ALONE!!!!
 
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KFC: Said The chicken only crossed the road the once then it was deep fried and stuck in a box with chips ;-)
 
Maybe I should start a general chat thread on this, what do you think SST? Could be fun to see what everyone else thinks of... or is that just too silly..back to glossing, will check later... :thumbsup:
 
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Medieval Pick-up Lines ...
- "Hey, Princess, you wouldn’t happen to know where a lonely knight could scabbard his sword, would you?"

- "Been there, slain that."

- "What’s a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this?"

- "They don’t call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know."

- "When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren’t the only thing they stretched."

- "Dost thou know? That chastity belt of yours would look great on my sleeping chambers floor."

- "Thou hast hit on me harder than the black plague!"

- "Pardon me, madam, but wouldeth thou like to see my long sword in action?"

- "Dost thou practice safe hex?"

- "Milady, it’s not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within."

- "I have the key to your chastity belt and you have the key to my heart."

- "You should be glad I’m not a Viking."

- "I lost my leg in battle. Guess what I’m walking on!"

- "Yes, fair maiden, I am indeed a wizard. Shall I make your clothes disappear?"

- "You won’t believe this but St. George just appeared to me in a vision and told me that I must bed you...the fate of England depends on it!"

- "I’m really a prince cursed by an evil witch. Tell me, do you have sex with frogs?"

- "You know, I was once imprisoned in a tower very much like Repunnzel.
Only it wasn’t my hair that the queen asked me to let down."

- "I may not be a priest, but I can get you to heaven, m’lady."
 
What do you call a girl band with nits...
The lice girls...Sorry my 8yo daughter thought it was funny :thumbsdown:
 
the missus came home last night really upset and said she needed consoling....so i smashed her round the head with my xbox!!!!
 
No worms
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water.

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about
painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms."
 
how do you turn an orange on?.............................................................................
lick it's citrus
 
The Sneeze


A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.


The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took out a tissue, wiped her nose! Her body shaking even more than before.


Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"


"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an ******."


The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"


The woman nodded, "Pepper"...
😳
 
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.


While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
Another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

(You'll love this)

God replied: "I didn't bloody recognize you."
 
WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:

Definitely not!

WIFE:

Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:

Of course I do.

WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?


HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:

(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:

Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?


HUSBAND:

Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:

Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:

- silence - -

HUSBAND:

rubbish....
 
How many evertonians does it take too change a lightbulb.......NONE coz they just sit in the dark and blame it on liverpool!!!!!
 
How many evertonians does it take too change a lightbulb.......NONE coz they just sit in the dark and blame it on liverpool!!!!!
how many country and western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
3, one to change it, the other two to sing about how good the old one was!
 

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