tell me your best joke

[Dan]

BRILLIANT DAN.ps.HOWS UR TENNIS ELBOW?

It's getting better now mate. 🙂

 

[Dan]

More bad news for the Taliban. Remember how they are promised 72virgins when they die? Turns out that it's only one 72-year-old virgin.

 

[tiling1]

What's the similarity between a 9v battery and a womans a***hole ? You know you should'nt but sooner or later you're goin to have to touch it with your tongue!!!

 

[brian c]

went 2 the cemetery the other day 2 put some flowers down,when i noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin,3 hours go by and they are still walking about with the coffin.i then thought to myself these guys have lost the plot.

 

[brian c]

David Copperfield just finished his show and asked audience if they had any tricks?wee GLASWEGIAN bloke said aye av got 1 but i need your wife CLAUDIA SCHIEFFER AN A TABLE.When they r brought on stage the wee guy bends her leg over the table an starts sh***ing her up the A**.COPPERFIELD is mad and shout's at him 'THATS NOT A TRICK' and the wee guy replies ,'NAW BUT ITS F***ING MAGIC.':wink_smile:

 

[brian c]

Woman in the west of SCOTLAND is about to jump of a cliff when she hears a sailor telling her not to do it and he will her away on ship and you can start a new life in America.3 weekslater she is found and brought befare the captain who asks what she is doing on his boat,she replies that a sailor is stowing me away to America,he brings me 3 meals a day and in return i let him f**K ME EVERY NIGHT.The Captain says to her 'oh hes f***ing u all right kos this is the DUNOON FERRY!'

 

[brian c]

jACK AND jILL WENT UP THE HILL SO JACK COULD LICK JILLS F***Y.JACK GOT A SHOCK AND A MOUTHFULL OF C**K KOS JILLS A F***ING TRANNY!

 

[CON5933]

Started a job last week for the Samaritans......
went to phone in sick on friday but they talked me out of it🙂

 

[CON5933]

Bloke offered me a new job with the Brittle Bone society, £600 a week.....I snapped his f****n hand off🙂

 

[brian c]

little patrick asked for a new bike for his birthday,his dad said we'd get you 1 but the mortgage is 200,000 and your mum just lost her job.next day patrick walked out with his suitcase packrd .his dad asked what he was doing?patrick replied'i walked past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling it out,then i heard her tell you to wait kos she was coming too,and im not staying here with a 200,000 mortgage and no bike!'

 

[Dan]

went 2 the cemetery the other day 2 put some flowers down,when i noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin,3 hours go by and they are still walking about with the coffin.i then thought to myself these guys have lost the plot.

Nice and clean - that's what we like!:laugh:

 

[Deleted member 15]

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.


Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.


So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"


The man replied, "Yep, sure do"


"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.


"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.


"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.


"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man in an even tone.


"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.


"Yep," was the calm reply.


"And, you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.


"Nope," said the old man.


More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"


The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."

 

[Deleted member 15]

Husband and Wife in court getting a divorce.
The problem was who should get custody of the child????

Wife jumped up and said: “Your Honor! I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody.”

The judge turns to Husband and says “What do you have to say in your defense?”

The husband sat for a while contemplating then slowly rose.

”Your Honor. If I put a POUND in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out. Whose Pepsi is it? the machine's or mine?“

 

[wivers]

One day Dracula was walking down the street, when all of a sudden 100 sausage rolls, 150 cheese and tomato sandwiches, 50 chicken wings, 30 bread sticks, 20 pizza slices and 3000 crisps fall on him from above. "oh no" he said with his dying breath "its buffet the vamire slayer!"

 

[Varley]

One day Dracula was walking down the street, when all of a sudden 100 sausage rolls, 150 cheese and tomato sandwiches, 50 chicken wings, 30 bread sticks, 20 pizza slices and 3000 crisps fall on him from above. "oh no" he said with his dying breath "its buffet the vamire slayer!"

Oh deary me wivers.

 

[GazTech]

A bloke takes his 13 year old daughter to the doctor,and insists that she is put on the pill.The doctor asked if she was sexually active?he replied. " NO SHE JUST LIES THERE LIKE HER MOTHER!!"

 

[GazTech]

Black tarmac & green tarmac in the pub having a beer,in walks pink tarmac and green jumps behind the bar shaking.Whats up said black "keep him away from me he's a cyclepath!"

 

[IvegotsTILE]

One sunny day Sarah was walking down the street in a very good mood she'd just been for her baby scan and found out she was having triplets.
While walking down the street she heard an alarm going off,3 robbers came running out of the bank all guns blazing,Sarah was in the line of fire and took 3 bullets to the stomach.
While at the hospital the doctor says that each of the 3 babies had been hit in there stomachs but amazingly there all alright,however its too much of a risk to remove the bullets but the doctor says they will pass through there system naturally when they probably reach pubity.
A few months pass and Sarah has 2 pretty girls and a handsome young boy.All are healthy.
13 years pass by Sarah comes home from work and one of her girls is crying,Sarah asks whats wrong and the daughter says she went for a wee and this bullet came out,Sarah told her not to worry and told her about that eventful day 13 years ago.
A week passes and Sarah comes home from work and her other daughter is crying,her daughter says she went to the toilet and a bullet came out so Sarah told her about that that eventful day13 years ago.
A week later Sarah comes home from work and her son is crying his eyes out,Sarah sits down and says don't worry son,did you go for a wee and a bullet came out?
'No'says the son.'I had a wank and I shoot the dog!':sad_smile:

 

[brian c]

Mummy Where Do Babies Come From?well Daddy's Make A Liquid Called Sperm And Put It Inside Mummy's.'do Mummy's Swallow It?' ' Only If They Want New Shoes!'

 

[brian c]

After Great Sex,my Tai Girlfriend Lies There Stroking My Penis.i Ask Do You Want More Sex?she Replies 'no,i'm Just Admiring Your Manhood Kos I Really Miss Mine!'

 

[brian c]

Irishman Went For An Iq Test And Had To Put The Word Contageous Into A Sentence.'thats Easy' Said Paddy,i Asked My Mate To Dig A Hole And It Took The C**tages.

 

[wivers]

Is something wrong with my joke Varely????!!! hmmmmmm???? Okay so i stole my son's joke book , and what!!!! 🙂

 

[tjsmiler]

Go on Wivers ave im!!!

 

[tjsmiler]

Love em Brian, imagine if that actually happened lol

 

[brian c]

female dwarf goes to her dr complaining of a sore f***y.Dr looks and says 'pass me those scissors.'After snipping away for a few mins he says 'is that better?'Dwarf says thats marvelous,what did you do?.Dr says 'i cut the top off your wellies.'

 

[brian c]

wee guy sitting at a bar when a big thug walks in and hits him to the floor and says'thats a karate chop fae korea.'A while later thug walks up to him again andhits him to the floor and says' that was a judo chop fae japan' The wee guy goes out the pub and returns a few minutes later,he smacks the big thug on the head and knocks him out cold.He says to the barman 'when he wakes up tell him that was a crowbar fae B&Q!'

 

[brian c]

A Blonde Phones The Firebrigade To Tell Them Her House Is On Fire! Fireman Asks 'how Do We Get There?'....she Replies'helloooooooooo!!!!!! In The Big Red Lorry!'

 

[Simon.]

A man of the other persuation goes into the greengrocers to buy a cucumber - "I'd like to buy a cucumber please." The greengrocer says certainly sir, would you like it sliced? At that the customer replies "What do you think my a*** is, a money box?" Sorry about that, don't mean to offend anyone.

 

[Dan]

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops what they are doing to listen.


MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shopping centre now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealers and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£45,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £750,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer £700,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."


The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"