V
vince1
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One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
V
vince1
class mate hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha 10 out of 10
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
D
DevonR
Seeing as the blonde issue has been broached, I guess it's fair game on all other normally taboo and politically incorrect subjects soooooooooo....
How many nails in a lesbians coffin.....
.....none it's all tongue and groove! :wink_smile:
How many nails in a lesbians coffin.....
.....none it's all tongue and groove! :wink_smile:
L
Leatherface
Have you heard the one about the female tiler ????
Don't know the punchline yet !!!!
Sorry ladies 🙂
Only joking
Don't know the punchline yet !!!!
Sorry ladies 🙂
Only joking
C
clmcg123
a woman goes to the drs and asks for some sleeping tblts for her husband.what for?the dr asks.cant he sleep?no said the wife,he keeps waking up!!
W
wivers
" My mrs said she's getting pi**ed off with our old car, she said she wants something that go's from 0-140 in 3 seconds......So i bought the fat cow some bathroom scales!!!"
V
Varley
Absolutely class m8, LMAO
W
wivers
Thanks mate. Cost me a right hander from her indoors though. 🙁
V
vince1
very good mate hahahaha i told my mates that one about 0 to 130 hahaha
Well worth it 🙂
Here's one that gave me belly ache laughing so hard.....
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs £10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the £10.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the £10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
C
CON5933
:wink_smile: brilliant
C
CON5933
Tim the tiler was absolutely delighted with his downstairs bathroom.... he'd spent a fortune on the travertine tiles, the room was finished and he'd invited his mate Billy around to have a look.
His wife thought she'd try the shower out, as she stepped from the shower she slipped on the new tiles, done the splits and was 'firmly suctioned' to the floor by her fanny...
Tim and Billy ran in to help her but she wouldn't budge...
"hang on" said Billy, "i'll get a hammer and chisel and we can break the tile around her fanny"
"SOD THAT" said Tim, "help me slide her into the hallway...the tiles are cheaper there":angel_smile:
His wife thought she'd try the shower out, as she stepped from the shower she slipped on the new tiles, done the splits and was 'firmly suctioned' to the floor by her fanny...
Tim and Billy ran in to help her but she wouldn't budge...
"hang on" said Billy, "i'll get a hammer and chisel and we can break the tile around her fanny"
"SOD THAT" said Tim, "help me slide her into the hallway...the tiles are cheaper there":angel_smile:
V
Varley
Lol Dan, good one.
B
brodxx
A bloke has the choice of three woman to marry, to help make up his mind he gives each £1000. the first woman spends £900 on clothes and puts £100 in the bank. The second woman spends £500 on clothes and puts £500 in the bank. the third spends £100 on clothes and puts £900 in the bank. Which one did he choose?-----------------------------------the one with the big ****!
H
h0ndatyp3r
The worlds shortest fairytale.
Once upon a time a man asked a woman, 'Will you marry me?' The woman replied, 'No' and the man lived happily ever after and went golfing, fishing, drinking and shagging and still had money in his pocket at the end of the week.
The end.
Once upon a time a man asked a woman, 'Will you marry me?' The woman replied, 'No' and the man lived happily ever after and went golfing, fishing, drinking and shagging and still had money in his pocket at the end of the week.
The end.
W
wivers
Here's one that gave me belly ache laughing so hard.....
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs £10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the £10.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the £10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."[/quote]
Very good 🙂
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs £10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the £10.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the £10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."[/quote]
Very good 🙂
W
wivers
Doh!!!
W
wivers
I see an anti wife trend forming 😉
W
wivers
Not a joke but a little verse in appriciation of our glourious members.
Leatherface is the man, with the all over tan that he got from the naked sun bathing. The only big prob, was his poor sunburnt n*b ,and the rash where his gimp suit was chaffing.
Concept's double hard, and he could have made sarge if he'd kept to his job in the force's, but it's the forum thats smiling coz he left that for tiling.... and his sexual obssesion with horses.
Dan is Don of the forum HQ, a really nice bloke like Ned Flanders, he's alway's at hand with his tiling advice and does extra's for large cash backhanders!
Leatherface is the man, with the all over tan that he got from the naked sun bathing. The only big prob, was his poor sunburnt n*b ,and the rash where his gimp suit was chaffing.
Concept's double hard, and he could have made sarge if he'd kept to his job in the force's, but it's the forum thats smiling coz he left that for tiling.... and his sexual obssesion with horses.
Dan is Don of the forum HQ, a really nice bloke like Ned Flanders, he's alway's at hand with his tiling advice and does extra's for large cash backhanders!
V
Varley
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for
over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little
thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective
sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was
bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always
got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate.
She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day "little" sister
called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and
desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister!
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up
and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the
stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them
down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the
front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and
behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With
tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy
that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our
daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car 🙂
over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little
thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective
sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was
bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always
got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate.
She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day "little" sister
called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and
desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister!
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up
and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the
stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them
down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the
front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and
behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With
tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy
that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our
daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car 🙂
V
Varley
Please can anyone help. 18 months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from
DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.
However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the
only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other
applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a
virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same
time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they
caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product
soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.
While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come
bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2004. Shortly after this upgrade,
however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run.
Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could
not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about
them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and
can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products
have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring
ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be
reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0
attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which
can't be turned off.
Computer Problems
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be
problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0
detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your money before
uninstalling itself.
Thanks for any help ya'll can give.....
DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.
However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the
only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other
applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a
virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same
time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they
caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product
soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.
While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come
bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2004. Shortly after this upgrade,
however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run.
Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could
not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about
them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and
can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products
have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring
ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be
reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0
attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which
can't be turned off.
Computer Problems
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be
problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0
detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your money before
uninstalling itself.
Thanks for any help ya'll can give.....
V
Varley
Best Lawyer Story
Maybe the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century.
A Charlotte, North Carolina lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, than insured tham against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in a series of small fires. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued...and WON! (stay with me here)
In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the "held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guarenteed that it would insure tham against fire, without defining what it considered to be unnacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than pursue a lenghty and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15 000 to the lawyer for the loss of his rare cigars lost in the "fires".
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24 000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
Maybe the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century.
A Charlotte, North Carolina lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, than insured tham against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in a series of small fires. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued...and WON! (stay with me here)
In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the "held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guarenteed that it would insure tham against fire, without defining what it considered to be unnacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than pursue a lenghty and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15 000 to the lawyer for the loss of his rare cigars lost in the "fires".
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24 000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
Last edited by a moderator:
LOL
D
Deleted member 15
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
L
Leatherface
Wivers goes to the doctors with his wife...
After his checkup, the doctor calls the wife into his office alone. " Your husband is suffering from severe tiling stress disorder," he says . " If you don't do the following things Wivers will die."
...
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant to him at all times. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal. In the evening, prepare him an especially nice supper. wait on him hand and foot. Do not burden him with your problems. Do not nag. Do not give him chores to do, it will only make his stress worse.
And most importantly - let him go to the pub as many times as he wants and make love to him several times a week. If you can do this for the next ten months of the year he will make a full recovery and live."
On the way home, Wivers asks his wife what the doctor has said ?
"You are going to die," she replies !! :wink_smile:
After his checkup, the doctor calls the wife into his office alone. " Your husband is suffering from severe tiling stress disorder," he says . " If you don't do the following things Wivers will die."
...
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant to him at all times. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal. In the evening, prepare him an especially nice supper. wait on him hand and foot. Do not burden him with your problems. Do not nag. Do not give him chores to do, it will only make his stress worse.
And most importantly - let him go to the pub as many times as he wants and make love to him several times a week. If you can do this for the next ten months of the year he will make a full recovery and live."
On the way home, Wivers asks his wife what the doctor has said ?
"You are going to die," she replies !! :wink_smile:
B
brian c
BRILLIANT DAN.ps.HOWS UR TENNIS ELBOW?
W
wivers
LOL Leather... aint it the truth!!!!
C
CON5933
(reputed to be a true story.... but funny anyway)
Picture the scene...3 blokes sittin in a smokey bar...
The eldest, about 60, asks the other 2
"whats the wierdest thing you've ever f****d...?
After thinkin about it, one of them replies, "i slept with a woman with a moustache!"
The 2nd one says, " suppose it would have to a pillow"
"what about you then" they asked...
"about 1/2 a hundred weight of warm dough..."
The other 2 looked horrified, they'd all served time together and the old fella worked in the kitchens🙂
Picture the scene...3 blokes sittin in a smokey bar...
The eldest, about 60, asks the other 2
"whats the wierdest thing you've ever f****d...?
After thinkin about it, one of them replies, "i slept with a woman with a moustache!"
The 2nd one says, " suppose it would have to a pillow"
"what about you then" they asked...
"about 1/2 a hundred weight of warm dough..."
The other 2 looked horrified, they'd all served time together and the old fella worked in the kitchens🙂
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