A
Aqua Tiling
Just to bring some smiles, i will post a joke a day, maybe some days two!!!!
hope you enjoy............
hope you enjoy............
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M
Mike
where's todays then?
U
user123
Go on then..
A
Aqua Tiling
I was walking down the street when a bloke attacked me with lump of cheese and a carton of milk, i thought how dairy
got really emotional at the petrol garage this morning........................dont know why, just starting filling up
woman in court charged for stealing a tin of peaches, judge asked "how many peaches were in the tin", to which she replied, four. The judge told her that she would serve a month for peach. As she was being lead away, her husband shouted from the gallery........."she stole a tin of peas as well"!!
got really emotional at the petrol garage this morning........................dont know why, just starting filling up
woman in court charged for stealing a tin of peaches, judge asked "how many peaches were in the tin", to which she replied, four. The judge told her that she would serve a month for peach. As she was being lead away, her husband shouted from the gallery........."she stole a tin of peas as well"!!
A
Aqua Tiling
Today i see for men walking round and round a grave yard with a coffin on there shoulders....i thought...they've lost the plot
WOKE UP LAST NIGHT TO FIND THE GHOST OF GLORIA GAYNOR STOOD AT THE FOOT OF MY BED.....AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID.....I WAS PETRIFIED
I WENT TO A FANCY DRESS PARTY LAST NIGHT AS A LOAF OF BREAD....THE BIRDS WERE ALL OVER ME
WOKE UP LAST NIGHT TO FIND THE GHOST OF GLORIA GAYNOR STOOD AT THE FOOT OF MY BED.....AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID.....I WAS PETRIFIED
I WENT TO A FANCY DRESS PARTY LAST NIGHT AS A LOAF OF BREAD....THE BIRDS WERE ALL OVER ME
Last edited by a moderator:
M
Mike
first 2 were rubbish, 3rd one was good :lol:
T
The Legend; Phil Hobson RIP
OK, Question, what do they call a fat man in the Navy? ................Answer.
A Sailor.........arrrggggg. I'll get me coat:yikes:
A Sailor.........arrrggggg. I'll get me coat:yikes:
S
Stewart
My mate David had his id stolen this morning..... we just call him Dav now!
A
Aqua Tiling
i love it........:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
T
The Legend; Phil Hobson RIP
A
Aqua Tiling
thought i fount the mass grave of a 1000 snowmen, turns out it was feild of carrots
U
user123
got really emotional at the petrol garage this morning........................dont know why, just starting filling up
:lol: :lol: :lol:
:lol: :lol: :lol:
M
Mike
look at post number 4 g
T
The Legend; Phil Hobson RIP
Another daft joke probably my last before I am banned.
a chap comes home from the pub, looking forward to the kebab he has just bought, having set out his plate, knife, fork, plate etc. he gets ready to enjoy his supper.
Just as he is about to sit down, there is a tapping sound at his back door, angrily he opens the door, at first he can't see anyone. Then he looks down and spies a snail on the backdoor step.
Annoyed by this interruption he kicks the snail to the far end of the garden,
Two weeks later he is just about to tuck into another kebab, he hears another tap at the back door. As he opens the door he sees the same snail on the step.
The snail says "what did you do that for"?:lol:
a chap comes home from the pub, looking forward to the kebab he has just bought, having set out his plate, knife, fork, plate etc. he gets ready to enjoy his supper.
Just as he is about to sit down, there is a tapping sound at his back door, angrily he opens the door, at first he can't see anyone. Then he looks down and spies a snail on the backdoor step.
Annoyed by this interruption he kicks the snail to the far end of the garden,
Two weeks later he is just about to tuck into another kebab, he hears another tap at the back door. As he opens the door he sees the same snail on the step.
The snail says "what did you do that for"?:lol:
C
Colour Republic
Had to stop and take a picture yesterday, I thought it was quite funny then realised it wasn't a joke!!!!!!!:yikes:
A
Aqua Tiling
:lol::lol::lol::lol: some ppl amaze me
A
Aqua Tiling
got home to find the wife dead in the washing machine..............at least she died in comfort
C
Colour Republic
that one I like :lol:
U
user123
that was my response to it, Mike, just didn't bother with the quote thing... :lol:
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check
her balance.
Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.
A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused
permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai
Would not understand the humour,
but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'
My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were £70!!!
B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something waterproof and shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds.'
I bought her bathroom scales.
Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was sat there with their
new-born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it....
I thought that was a bit harsh so i gave it a dead leg instead.
Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C,"he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."
I start a new job in Seoul next week.
I thought it was a good Korea move.
I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs.
The birds love it!
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was
sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.
On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking
Doctor' -
I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check
her balance.
Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.
A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused
permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai
Would not understand the humour,
but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'
My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were £70!!!
B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something waterproof and shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds.'
I bought her bathroom scales.
Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was sat there with their
new-born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it....
I thought that was a bit harsh so i gave it a dead leg instead.
Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C,"he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."
I start a new job in Seoul next week.
I thought it was a good Korea move.
I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs.
The birds love it!
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was
sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.
On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking
Doctor' -
I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'
M
Mike
sorry , i thought you were adding another joke without seeing it had already been posted:lol:
B
b30 villain
On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking
Doctor' -
I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'
:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
Doctor' -
I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'
:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
A
Aqua Tiling
just seen a sign that says 1 bus takes 33 cars off the road, personally i think it depends on how aggressive the driver is
P
paul damian
I feel i wasted my money going to see peter kay at the o2 ,, should off come on the tilers forums instead.. .Whats black and white and waiting to be fed........long pause...... Bin ladens cat.
J
jay
> A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known necking spot.
> He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
> The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
> Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
> He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.
> Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
> The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"
> The cop says: "What are you doing?"
> The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
> Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"
> The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
> Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane...and nothing obscene is happening!
> The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm 22, sir."
> The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?"
> The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes "
> He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
> The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
> Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
> He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.
> Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
> The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"
> The cop says: "What are you doing?"
> The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
> Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"
> The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
> Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane...and nothing obscene is happening!
> The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm 22, sir."
> The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?"
> The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes "
J
jay
A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang
of bikies, who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most
heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the #$%$)@ out of the lot of ya’s!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago..."
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang
of bikies, who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most
heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the #$%$)@ out of the lot of ya’s!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago..."
D
doug boardley
why doesn't a pigs tail get up at 4am ????
because it's twirly (groan)
because it's twirly (groan)
A
Aqua Tiling
omg!!!!!!!!!! Doug that was bad, lol
A
Aqua Tiling
apparently the irish sas also joined the US assault last week. sadly they stormed denenhams looking for summer bed linen
S
Stewart
Apparently there's a dwarf shortage........ Who'd have though!
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