Uheat Joke Friday - Happy Friday everyone!

Happy New Year everybody. Our Joke Friday for 2022 thread starts here! Leave your jokes and replies below, we will be replying to this every Friday with new jokes!

Subscribe for more jokes direct to your mailbox or send us your own jokes to be in with a chance of featuring, by clicking HERE!

 

[Lou]

Gosh, the first week of 2022 has already gone!!

Thanks for starting the new joke thread!

 

[Uheat - Jacob]

Subscribe for more jokes direct to your mailbox or send us your own jokes to be in with a chance of featuring, by clicking HERE!

 

[Uheat - Jacob]

Subscribe for more jokes direct to your mailbox or send us your own jokes to be in with a chance of featuring, by clicking HERE!

 

[Uheat - Jacob]

Subscribe for more jokes direct to your mailbox or send us your own jokes to be in with a chance of featuring, by clicking HERE!

 

[Uheat - Jacob]

Subscribe for more jokes direct to your mailbox or send us your own jokes to be in with a chance of featuring, by clicking HERE!

 

[bsc ceramics]

😂😂 love it, brightens my day with your corney quipes

 

[Uheat - Jacob]

Subscribe for more jokes direct to your mailbox or send us your own jokes to be in with a chance of featuring, by clicking HERE!

 

[Uheat - Jacob]

Subscribe for more jokes direct to your mailbox or send us your own jokes to be in with a chance of featuring, by clicking HERE!

 

[Uheat - Jacob]

Subscribe for more jokes direct to your mailbox or send us your own jokes to be in with a chance of featuring, by clicking HERE!

 

[Uheat - Jacob]

Subscribe for more jokes direct to your mailbox or send us your own jokes to be in with a chance of featuring, by clicking HERE!

 

[Uheat - Jacob]

Subscribe for more jokes direct to your mailbox or send us your own jokes to be in with a chance of featuring, by clicking HERE!

 

[Uheat - Jacob]

Subscribe for more jokes direct to your mailbox or send us your own jokes to be in with a chance of featuring, by clicking HERE!

 

[Uheat - Jacob]

Subscribe for more jokes direct to your mailbox or send us your own jokes to be in with a chance of featuring, by clicking HERE!

 

[Uheat - Jacob]

Subscribe for more jokes direct to your mailbox or send us your own jokes to be in with a chance of featuring, by clicking HERE!

 

[Uheat - Jacob]

Despite cleaning all the stains off, I lost my job as a church window cleaner!


I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined… Wednesday is open Mike night!


I took my new puppy for his first shots today... Poor little thing threw up everywhere. Maybe tequila wasn't the best choice!


I took my kids to the zoo last week… Popping back today to see if they've settled in!


Everything is easier said than done...unless it's Worcestershire Sauce!


Subscribe for more jokes direct to your mailbox or send us your own jokes to be in with a chance of featuring, by clicking HERE!

 

[Uheat - Jacob]

Caught my wife going through the neighbours bins... She's not nosey, just terrible at parking!


Just been told my son has swallowed his phone and it got stuck in his throat... I'm gonna ring his neck!


A man fell into a display of 300 golf clubs at a sports shop earlier today... Doctors have said that he should be ok but he's not out of the woods yet!


My wife said she was fed up with me putting the name of a vegetable in every sentence. "Are you going to stop?" she said. "Not neccecelery," I said.


Subscribe for more jokes direct to your mailbox or send us your own jokes to be in with a chance of featuring, by clicking HERE!

 

[Uheat - Jacob]

I've just driven behind an Audi that let someone out and used indicators... Naturally, I took a note of the reg and reported it stolen!

Here's an idea for an invention: A thought-controlled air freshener… It makes scents when you think about it!

My online banking password has been hacked again... This will be the third time I've had to rename the dog!

I bought a greyhound yesterday. My wife said, "Are you going to race him?" I said, "No, he’s much faster than me!"

Subscribe for more jokes direct to your mailbox or send us your own jokes to be in with a chance of featuring, by clicking HERE!

 

[Uheat - Jacob]

The wife was all dressed as a pedal bin for the fancy dress party when it was cancelled at the last minute... Boy did she flip her lid!


My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner… So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm!


I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me £15. Instead I gave my suit to the charity shop next door. They cleaned and pressed it, and put it in the window. I bought it for £4.50!


I had eczema, diarrhoea and haemorrhoids over the weekend... My best game of Scrabble ever!


Subscribe for more jokes direct to your mailbox or send us your own jokes to be in with a chance of featuring, by clicking HERE!

 

[Uheat - Jacob]

The wife was all dressed as a pedal bin for the fancy dress party when it was cancelled at the last minute... Boy did she flip her lid!


My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner… So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm!


I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me £15. Instead I gave my suit to the charity shop next door. They cleaned and pressed it, and put it in the window. I bought it for £4.50!


I had eczema, diarrhoea and haemorrhoids over the weekend... My best game of Scrabble ever!


Subscribe for more jokes direct to your mailbox or send us your own jokes to be in with a chance of featuring, by clicking HERE!

 

[Uheat - Jacob]

I feel really claustrophobic when I visit my local chemist… I fear I've become too big for my Boots!

I really do regret buying the flat above Lionel Richie!

The man who sets retail prices has died... RRP

Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee!

I never thought that I would be the type of person to get up early in the morning to go running… I was right!

Subscribe for more jokes direct to your mailbox or send us your own jokes to be in with a chance of featuring, by clicking HERE!

 

[Uheat - Jacob]

Man arrested after falling into farm machinery whilst trying to steal it... He is due to be bailed on Friday!

A male fly notices a rather attractive female fly lounging on a pile of cow manure. The male fly swoops down next to her and says, "Excuse me love but is this stool taken?"

Did you use to knock on doors and then run away when you were a kid? Good news… Yodel are hiring!

A Cadburys lorry and a Lego truck have collided on the motorway… Police say the road is choc a block!

Be careful when trying to gently squeeze the pump at the petrol station to get exactly 20 quid in… I've just missed it and it went to £38.66!

 

[Uheat - Jacob]

For those who don't want Alexa listening in on your conversations, they're making a male version... It doesn't listen to anything!

I've just seen a man with no arms cycle past me… I'm not sure of his name but his face rang a bell!

I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my sons train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it... I think I've managed to cover my tracks!

Every time I get something stuck in my throat, I just dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager… It's called the Heineken Manoeuvre!

Subscribe for more jokes direct to your mailbox or send us your own jokes to be in with a chance of featuring, by clicking HERE!

 

[Uheat - Jacob]

I've been trying to get hold of my judo instructor… But he's a hard man to pin down!


Got my water bill today for the last 3 months. £250! Then I saw an advert for Oxfam stating they can supply a whole village with water for £5 a month... Think I'll be changing my supplier!


An elderly wife in church turned to her husband and said, "I've just done a silent fart. What should I do?" Her husband said, "Change the batteries in your hearing aid!"


Strange new trend in the office. People putting names on food in the communal fridge… Today I had a cheese sandwich named Susan!